Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
