my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
my liver is dry heaving
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
