i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
