Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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