I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
