the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
