why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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