I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
