My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
