you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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