Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
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Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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