Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
