Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
