I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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