i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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