A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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