Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
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Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
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woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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