Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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