peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
