I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
