Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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