I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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