NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
