I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
