she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
this beer tastes like vomit already
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
