tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!