my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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