Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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