And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
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She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
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The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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