I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
