my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
