At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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