i dedicated my morning wood to you.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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