You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
