wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I have already put on my inside pants.
Randomize
