It was confusing and full of hummus
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
