We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
