Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
