he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
