i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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