someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
