T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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