Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
