I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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