I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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