so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
