I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
