Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
