I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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