i just sent this text using only my big toe
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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