I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
