After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
