What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
