I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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