he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
