Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
