She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
