i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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