Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i think i have two assholes
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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