i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
