Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
