He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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